no puppies or clowns were hurt in the writing of this email 05/08

June 22nd, 2010 Comments Off

i must admit i’ve been quite pleased with some of the perks facebook has offered.  IM’ing folks at random hours would be a perk.  men i went  on one or two absurdly bad dates with reconnecting after 7 months or 2 years…not a perk.   an email from souk…perk.  i haven’t spoken to anyone i went to high school with in about 12 years. quite possibly 13 since my senior year had me taking courses on a college campus 60% of the time and skipping classes 40%.  which equals 100.   as my math skills imply it seems everything turned out all right in the grand scheme of things.

last time i saw souk she was a gang member with a meth problem.  no wait…that was someone else. souk was a sweet and social gal i had some sort of class with during those oh so life altering years.   neither one of us is quite sure which class.  it must have been one i attended at least a few times before i skipped out to go swimming at 3rd bridge.  for those of you unfamiliar with the midwestern town i grew up in  the brilliantly named 3rd bridge was christened this  as it was the third bridge on that particular dirt road.  now before anyone has an impulse to turn nostalgic and conjure up black and white images from mayberry.  the more accurate picture is one of children swinging from vines into rushing water 2 feet deep that was over-flowing with jagged rocks and the occasional fish hooks.  turns out souk is going to be in nyc for the summer and needs an apartment.   turns out she takes a look at my place and loves it (who doesn’t?)  turns out she is renting my place from july 1st until mid september.  i will have to wait a little longer before my eyes behold lovely new york city.  the friends…the food…the everything that is new york.  i can’t even remember the last time i saw a rat.  but everything happens for a reason and souk really is a doll.  after an hour of chatting on the phone the other day she promptly emailed me (today’s equivalent of a thank you note) suggesting i may have a future career as a phone operator in the world of adult entertainment.  well thank you souk…i’ll take that as a compliment and into consideration.  i told you she was a sweet girl.

besides writing i will use this time in continuing my efforts to learn spanish.  i have entered the 4th week of searching for a tutor.  i answered an ad on craigslist for what sounded like a fair and normal exchange.  his spanish for my english.    i figured, since it wasn’t a date, he wouldn’t be crazy.  that was working off a very complex equation dealing with the laws of average and my record for off beat male encounters….but i believe my reasoning was off because i didn’t factor in the southern hemisphere.   it could also be some of those classes i skipped were important…i’m open to that possibility.  he shows up…and  lets just say after dating in new york for 5 years my creepy detector is pretty spot on.  he walked by me on the street and i prayed, “please don’t let that be him.”  he was…well…twitchy…he looked like a guy you’d see a head shot of on the 10 o’clock news right before his neighbors said things like; “he was a quiet man,” “he kept to himself,” “he collected tv guides.”

the last time i had that ooohhhh so very accurate feeling i was in for the worst social interaction of my entire life…bar none.  remember people i’ve been in prisons.  a blind date that left me with the question, “what did i ever do to my best friend to deserve such cruel revenge.”  i don’t believe i ran over her childhood puppy 57 times as she watched  tears streaming down her face…but i couldn’t think of anything else worthy of such payback.   at least i got a few amazingly authentic and cringe worthy  character sketches out of it…that and a pile of therapy bills.

so this guy shuffles by and before i can complete my first hail mary he shuffles back.  we chat a few minutes and  i’m smiling as he tells me about his job as a corporate lawyer. who doesn’t smile when they are learning about international corporate law over a glass of wine with  a man straight off a most wanted poster?   he stops and says, “you smile a lot…it makes a man think you’re interested.”  a smile couldn’t have left my face faster if i had just witnessed a playing puppy kicked into the street or a clown maced at a children’s birthday party for no apparent reason.  i did not come even mona lisa close to a smile the rest of our…encounter. after  thanking him for the tip.  i said, “no i’m just a generally happy person.” (people he doesn’t know me what’s one white lie?)  then he asked if i was willing to commit to becoming fluent in spanish. his voice and demeanor changed to that of someone asking me to enlist in some gruesome covert military operation.  i told him i had no plans of being fluent in the next few months but i would love to master a few more conversation skills.  he then asked how many hours a day i was willing to commit to my effort.  i randomly grabbed the number 2 as what i assumed was an adequate answer.  i am sad to say my spanish is much worse than i thought.  for years i have been under the impression “dos” means two.  but from his reaction i now know it must mean something more in line with,”i think we should glue ourselves together from this moment on until i know spanish or you lock me in your basement.”  language is tricky like that.  he said we should do two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening and take day trips as often as possible.  well…that wasn’t really going to work for me…i have the gym… and my book… and really… you’re just freaking me out.  i was sure the follow up was going to be an invitation to the home he shared with his mother.  a day trip that might have ended in me finding out she actually had been taking up residency in the freezer for a few years now.   he is sooooo not invited to my birthday party.

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